Minimally Invasive Gazette

Arne Duncan keeps schools open despite Apocalypse.

2007-02-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

Chicago Public Schools (CPS) CEO Arne Duncan wants to keep his streak alive. No matter what the cost.

“Kids need warmth, food, and shelter,” said Duncan. “My reports show that most kids are not getting these three things at home. They’re just playing video games. Which we don’t have at the schools.”

Duncan is fully aware that the Apocalypse is in full swing but he does not seem too worried about it. His only worry is the possible causalities that may occur.

“Yeah, I’m worried about kids dying on their way to school. Only the first two horses have appeared. I’ll seriously start thinking about closing the schools when the famine and plague accompany the black horse.”

In order to become more knowledgeable about the recent occurrences, Duncan has brought in a theological “dream team.” This team consists of a Catholic bishop, a Buddhist monk, an Islamic priest, and an atheist.

“I could care less if they included me,” said Ross Glover, the atheist. “I was told I get to keep everyone in check. So I get to assert my views on three different religions. Usually very loud and verbally. They even gave me a hockey stick.”

A mixer was then held to get the dream team more acquainted with each other as well as CPS personnel they would be working with.

“I can’t stand listening to them talk about religion,” said Glover, “but get some alcohol in them, and it’s a different scene. The bishop can really put it away, and the monk rocked the karaoke. The Islamic dude just sat in the corner the whole time. Not really that fun.”

Duncan says that the dream team has been invaluable to his assessment of the current situation.

“My knowledge has increased 75% on the subject,” said Duncan. “I now know the difference between good and evil and what the terms ‘miracle,’ ‘jihad,’ ‘karma,’ and ‘idiot’ mean. And I’ve heard idiot a lot recently.”

According to the “dream team,” schools will stay open as long as there is breathable air and sustenance. This may pose a problem in the coming weeks.

“The bishop warned me that the black horse was on his way,” said Duncan. “When the famine hits, we’ll have a problem. Until that time, I will keep making my decisions with the atheist’s help.”

Other problems have crept up with the coming of the Apocalypse, but Duncan and his team have been very proactive with solutions.

“We’ve had some really dark days, where the sun doesn’t shine,” said Duncan. “I got the monk and the bishop to pray for some help, and angels and those who have achieved nirvana came and acted as street lights. We even got the resurrected to act as crossing guards. That’s a win-win.”

It is Duncan’s can-do attitude that is inspiring other school districts around the country to keep their schools open.

“I sure thought the second horsemen would do him in, but it didn’t,” said Joel Klein, chancellor of New York City Department of Education. “And to think, I was closing schools when there was 2 feet of snow or a -50 degree wind chill. Arne’s an inspiration to us all.”

Even with all the optimism and positive re-enforcement, Duncan is fully aware of what is to come.

“There’s still a ton of Apocalypse let. This is only the first quarter. If I can keep the schools open until halftime, I think that is a big punch in my ticket to Heaven. Even God can’t turn his head at keeping your business open and running during the ‘biggest primetime spectacle in the history of the world.¹’ I just hope the Rapture comes quickly. God’s like Oscar voters – he has a short memory. Or so I’ve been told.”

¹From Other Things to call the Apocalypse besides the Apocalypse.

Mantra Entertainment releases Girls Gone Mild!

2007-02-12T00:49:00.000-08:00

In an unexpected move, Mantra Entertainment has delayed the released of its next Girls Gone Wild video to released Girls Gone Mild, which showcases the day-to-day activities of working women and mothers.

“I’ve really done all that I can with the Girls Gone Wild franchise,” said Joe Francis, CEO of Mantra. “Since we can’t go any younger, we decided to go the other way. Girls Gone Mild takes you inside the hot and sexy world of the working woman as she balances her checkbook or takes the kids to soccer practice.”

Instead of baiting hot college co-eds with tank tops to see their breasts, the Girls Gone Mild (GGM) staff offers its participants diapers, gas money, or home repair services for an inside look into the steamy dealings of life as it happens.

“I wasn’t going to let them film me,” said Abby Hoover, mother of 3. “But they offered 5 packages of diapers to follow me around for the day. It was invasive at first, but by the end of the day I was used to the cameras being around me.”

“We got some really hot footage of Abby,” said Forest Mason, director of the GGM series. “Nothing gets me more turned on than seeing a successful drop off of a kid at soccer practice.”

And it’s not only the director that’s getting hot in the crotch. Fans of Girls Gone Wild are transferring over to the world of Girls Gone Mild.

“I was a fan back when Girls Gone Wild started in 1998,” Nicholas Oppenheimer said. “I’ve grown up a bit, and it’s nice to see Mantra recognizing that. While hot college co-eds are good, it really doesn’t help with the wife. But with Girls Gone Mild, I can share the experience of Girls Gone Wild with her without being called a pervert. I even use Girls Gone Mild as foreplay. The best sex I’ve ever had was after Janet finished that casserole.”

College students looking for a change now have that option. Girls Gone Mild is usually located in the family section and gives them a sense of dignity when going into the video store.

“People don’t look down on me anymore,” said a happy Doug Harrow, political science major. “I go into the video store, go right to the family section and grab Girls Gone Mild. I can hold my head high as I exit the store, and still know that I can get my jollies when I get back to my place.”

“Nothing is sexier than seeing a working woman balance a checkbook,” said Kenny Warren, undeclared. “When Mary was able to pay her bills, manage her extraneous debts, and then balance it – man, I headed for the bathroom. And not to pee.”

Francis sees this as a starting point for a successful video franchise. He says he can see as many video in the Girls Gone Mild series as in the Girls Gone Wild series, maybe even more.

“The possibilities are endless,” said an elated Francis. “With Girls Gone Wild, we only had spring break and bars within a tight age demographic. With Girls Gone Mild, we have all ages of women during anytime of the year. I can easily foresee things like Girls Gone Mild: Family Vacation or Girls Gone Mild: Kids’ Birthday Parties. I’m telling you, it’s not only Mantra Entertainment that wins, but also the American public.”

Peyton Manning regrets winning Super Bowl trophy.

2007-02-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

Peyton Manning finally has his Super Bowl.

“It’s amazing,” said an elated Manning. “I’ve never felt like this before in my life. I guess this is what junkies are always talking about.”

His teammates have noticed something not quite right about Manning following the Super Bowl. Those around him say he is jubilant and exuberant most of the time. It’s when he gets his hands on the trophy that his demeanor changes.

“When he’s around the trophy, he becomes taciturn and blank,” said center Jeff Saturday. “I know what I’m talking about. I know him well. He’s got more ass time than my proctologist.”

After putting up a good front for the crowd and cameras, the truth finally comes out in the locker room.

“I hate that trophy,” said Manning. “It almost makes me regret choosing football.”

“He’s always hated it,” said father and former NFL quarterback Archie Manning. “I’d always show him pictures of it when he was a kid. He was really terrified of it. Just like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.”

“I would taunt him with it,” said younger brother Eli. “I could get him to do whatever I wanted. The best thing I did was take a picture of the Vince Lombardi trophy. Even better than nailing Hillary Barnes after prom.”

While his teammates, coaches, and fans were celebrating the win, Peyton decided to reflect on his choice of profession.

“Most professional sports trophies suck,” an irate Peyton said. “The NFL has a football on a stand. The NBA has a ball going into a gold bucket. Baseball has all those flags on it. It looks like an award from the United Nations. And I have no idea what soccer’s trophy looks like. They all suck. All except one.”

The exception is Lord Stanley’s cup. The grand prize of the National Hockey League has mesmerized Peyton since he was a young boy, watching Wayne Gretzky and the Edmonton Oilers.

“I really wanted to be a hockey player. But you can’t ice skate in the bayou. Crocs don’t check, they bite at you. You can imagine how many sticks and pucks I’d lose.”

“I can see Peyton’s point,” said kicker Adam Vinateri. “I’ve been around the Lombardi trophy almost my entire career. It’s nothing compared to the Stanley Cup. There are numerous advantages.”

Some of those advantages include having your name etched into the Cup itself and its size. But the greatest advantage is the most obvious one.

“You can do shots out of it,” said Peyton. “When I’ve taken a beating on the football field, I sometimes need something to forget the pain. I could just fill up the Cup with some smooth Tennessee whiskey and kick back. I can’t drink out of the Lombardi trophy. I view that as a design flaw. It just makes sense. Any trophy worth its weight you should be able to drink out of.”

Peyton does realize that the Stanley Cup would only stay in his possession for one year, whereas the Lombardi trophy is the team’s to keep forever.

“I don’t care,” said Peyton. “The Cup would get me into places. Bars, clubs, frat parties – heck even first communions. I can only imagine what it would be like to drink the communion wine from the teat of The Cup. Probably something akin to winning the Super Bowl.”

Ben Wallace injures knee just in time for West coast trip.

2007-01-31T18:08:00.000-08:00

Ben Wallace is known as the “Picasso of the Paint.” He rebounds and blocks shots with the best in the NBA. Due to the nature of his game, injuries are a common occurrence. This one came at an oddly convenient time.

“We’re going on our West Coast trip,” said Wallace. “And I couldn’t be more excited.”

Those thinking that Wallace will be spending time on one of the many California beaches nursing his injured knee, think again. He has entirely different plans.

“I plan on hanging out at the United Center,” Wallace said. “The Disney on Ice Princess Wishes are in town. I can’t wait.”

Wallace has attempted to keep his love of ice skating a secret in the locker room. The secret was out, however, when Bulls guard Kirk Hinrich went looking for some deodorant.

“He said I could borrow some. I wish I hadn’t asked,” remarked Hinrich. “I found the deodorant, but I also found a pair of ice skates, as well as pictures of Michelle Kwan, Kristi Yamaguchi, and Oksana Baul, the jewel of Russia.”

“Big Ben kicks it old school,” added Bulls forward Michael Sweetney. “I also dig Nancy Kerrigan. Bitch took a crowbar to the leg and still won silver. Represent.”

Wallace’s teammates were understanding of his love for ice skating. What they didn’t realize was how deep his commitment went.

“He kept asking about the ice capades and how many times a year they came to the United Center,” recalled Bulls general manager John Paxton. “But I had no clue it was because he loved the sport so much.”

Wallace commented on how much of a selling point that was when making his decision during free agency last year.

“I got offers from many teams, some that are contending for the championship in the West,” said Wallace. “But Chicago was the place for me. Not only do I love the city, but the ice capades come at least twice a year. I can deal with not having year round beaches for a little capades action.”

Wallace’s teammates don’t mind the obsession, as long as they are not involved. Many teammates became uncomfortable when he was asking if anyone wanted to join him for some skating practice.

“I thought he was asking me out,” a visibly shaken Ben Gordon recalled. “I revel in the grace of the skaters, but I’m not about to get out there with him. That’s kind of romantic. He should just be content to watch.”

And Wallace will be. With his injured knee, Wallace will remain behind in Chicago for the two week road trip. He has tickets to 10 of the shows.

“I get to study a new starting five – the Disney Princess’,” Wallace exclaimed. “They’re all gonna be there. Ariel, Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Princess Jasmine, the chick that sleeps a lot, and the Asian girl. I can’t wait. I’ve got a thing for Jasmine.”

Grossman attempts to stay regular during Super Bowl week.

2007-01-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

Bears fans across the nation are wondering what Rex Grossman will show up to the Super Bowl on Sunday – the Rex who had 7 100-plus rated games or the Rex who registered 5 sub-40 rated games, including the goose egg he laid in the season finale against Green Bay.

“He’s been wildly inconsistent,” said super fan Rick Owens. “I just hope he can maintain some sort of consistency or regularity this week.”

Rex has admitted that it has been hard to stay consistent this week due to the immense pressure that comes with the Super Bowl and his new diet.

“I’ve had Chinese, Thai – who knows what else,” said Grossman. “Attempting to shit twice a day - my regular allotment - goes by the wayside. I ate a German sausage that’s not agreeing with that English muffin I had earlier. Must be a World War II thing.”

“It’s important that Rex stay regular this week,” said center Olin Kreutz. “We’ve been monitoring his hotel room. We’ve been repeatedly asking him if he has to go. Anything. You don’t want him to have to drop a deuce in the huddle.”

“He has an odd routine,” said head coach Lovie Smith. “About midway through practice he’ll run off to the can. He likes to keep his pads on while he goes. Says it helps him concentrate.”

“The pads make me feel like in on the line of scrimmage,” said Rex. “Nothing makes you want to go more than the thought of 11 men trying to rip your head off. But sometimes I don’t have access to my pads. Then it’s a chore.”

It became more than a chore on Tuesday, when several players noticed that Rex’s bathroom usage time, or BUT, was well under normal levels. They decided drastic measures were in order. They asked defensive lineman Tommie Harris to monitor Rex’s BUT because he was injured and not that mobile.

“I staked out a sweet spot where I could hear the toilet flush in his hotel room,” said Harris. “His BUT was at about 10 minutes for the whole day. That equates to about 5 pisses. 5 pisses for the entire day up to dinner. He’s usually around 15-20 minutes by now. So the guys and I spiked his drink with Maalox.”

“That got his BUT up,” chortled running back Thomas Jones. “I haven’t seen him move like that since I missed my block assignment in the Pats game.”

Between dinner and lights-out, Grossman spent a total of 45 minutes in the bathroom according to Harris. That was more than usual, but given the conditions, it was necessary.

“They must’ve put the whole bottle in my drink,” shouted Grossman from the toilet. “Wish they did this during the daytime. I wouldn’t have been interviewed so much. I can barely get a sentence out before I have to go again.”

The Bears are hoping for a more consistent Grossman on Super Bowl Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts.

“I really don’t care if he farts, shits, or has stomach cramps in the huddle,” said Lovie. “As long as he completes more passes his dark colored jersey teammates. Got that Rex? Dark colored jerseys.”

Peyton Manning advertises offensive playbook.

2007-01-29T17:44:00.000-08:00

In a bold move sure to draw criticism, Peyton Manning is in a new TV spot featuring the Indianapolis Colts offensive playbook. The commercial features Manning calling out various offensive schemes and having the participants run them. Scenarios include a Pop Warner football game, the checkout line at a supermarket, and a concert.

“Getting to the fastest checkout line at the supermarket is hard,” Manning said in Miami, the site of Super Bowl XLI. “Z right 24 merlin blue cross is just the offense you need to call in that situation.”

Manning tried it out once. He got near the front of the line but had to call an audible.

“The guy over at register 6 opened. That changed the entire outlook of the checkout. But my team’s professional. They got the audible and I was back at home cooking my casserole in no time.”

Manning, however, is not taking the brunt of the criticism. When Tony Dungy, head coach, was asked about this, he said anything to do with the offense go through Tom Moore, the offensive coordinator.

“I just say things like ‘Punt’ and ‘Go for it.’ and take all the credit. Tom does the actual work.”

“The NFL contacted me about a good commercial idea,” said Moore. “I went with what I knew.”

The decision to run the commercial before the Super Bowl was entirely the NFL’s decision. Pre-game ratings are always low compared to the game itself, and the marketing department needed a quick solution.

“No one’s going to watch Cirque to Soleil,” said Lisa Garland, marketing director. “Most football fans won’t be able to pronounce it. They want to see football players. Peyton Manning is a football player as far as I know.”

“And we needed the revenue,” added Moore. “Indianapolis is not a big market city. The Indy 500 brings in some dollars, but that’s it. College basketball just yields drunks and cranky alums. We needed the big bucks to pay for the statue of a herd of colts that will be surrounding the RCA Dome next year.”

Most professional football players are alright with the idea of selling a playbook to generate revenue.

“Peyton is one funny cracka,” said defensive lineman Tank Johnson. “I saw the Mastercard commercial where he was gettin’ his melon signed and I was like ‘No he didn’t’ but he did.”

“I was too busy laughing to notice,” said Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison. “I hope everybody else was too.”

Initially, the NFL asked for both the offensive and defensive playbooks for the Colts. The Colts decided to only give up the offensive one.

“This commercial represents the Indianapolis Colts, Indianapolis, and the state of Indiana as a whole,” said Moore. “Giving them the defensive playbook would be like the opening act for the Beatles. Just embarrassing.”

“I believe we could have used the defensive playbook with Peyton,” said Garland. “He’s just that good. I think he’s a football player.”

“All I want to do is go to Disney world after the game,” said Manning. “And I’ll be using my Mastercard. Priceless!”

Bears fan complaining Super Bowl disrupting vacation.

2007-01-28T20:09:00.000-08:00

Bears fan Tucker Barkley is thrilled that the Bears made it to the Super Bowl. What he isn’t thrilled about is his new vacation plans.
“I’m going to Miami now to support the Bears,” said a fuming Tucker, 42. “I usually go ice fishing with my buddies. Instead of 20 below and a wind chill, I have to put up with 80 above and a heat index.”
“He’s really put out,” said his wife Roslyn, 41. “He had his heart set on that isolated outhouse with a hole in the ground.”
This new development has not only hurt his family emotionally, but also financially, as Tucker had already purchased all his fishing equipment for the trip.
“I bought new bait, a new tackle box, and a completely new parka/snow pants ensemble,” he said. “I would have been the belle of Tip-Up Town.”
“The Bears usually suck,” said his friend Brian Burnett. “That’s why we schedule the ice fishing trip now. The last time they were in the Super Bowl, I was rocking out to Poison and Ratt. They’re not bands anymore.”
Since the Bears beat the Saints, Tucker has torn up his house looking for his bathing suit, towel, flip-flops, sun block, pail, and anything else he could use on the beach. While finding a majority of the items, he found even more ridicule from his son.
“I never seen or heard of him going to the beach,” said his son Dan, 16. “He’s as white as a polar bear. He found his trunks and they were from the 80s. I would know. I’ve seen ‘I Love the 80s’ on VH1.”
Dan has no intentions of accompanying his father on his trip, saying that he was going to have a “bitchin’ kegger” instead.
“He’s a real trooper,” said neighbor Eddie Bell. “Sacrificing his ice trip for Miami? I know I couldn’t do that.”
Tucker knows it will be hard, but he’ll put up a good front.
“I’ll try to have fun. I know the entire time I’ll be thinking about the icy breeze rubbing up against my cheek. It’ll be really hard to go swimming, let me tell you.”

And We're Off!

2007-01-16T07:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Minimally Invasive Gazette, sponsored by the Minimally Invasive Collective. Please feel free to leave comments or e-mail minimallyinvasivecollective@gmail.com with any comments or suggestions, or if you're interested in contributing to the collective. Look for the first article later today!