Ben Wallace injures knee just in time for West coast trip.

Ben Wallace is known as the “Picasso of the Paint.” He rebounds and blocks shots with the best in the NBA. Due to the nature of his game, injuries are a common occurrence. This one came at an oddly convenient time.

“We’re going on our West Coast trip,” said Wallace. “And I couldn’t be more excited.”

Those thinking that Wallace will be spending time on one of the many California beaches nursing his injured knee, think again. He has entirely different plans.

“I plan on hanging out at the United Center,” Wallace said. “The Disney on Ice Princess Wishes are in town. I can’t wait.”

Wallace has attempted to keep his love of ice skating a secret in the locker room. The secret was out, however, when Bulls guard Kirk Hinrich went looking for some deodorant.

“He said I could borrow some. I wish I hadn’t asked,” remarked Hinrich. “I found the deodorant, but I also found a pair of ice skates, as well as pictures of Michelle Kwan, Kristi Yamaguchi, and Oksana Baul, the jewel of Russia.”

“Big Ben kicks it old school,” added Bulls forward Michael Sweetney. “I also dig Nancy Kerrigan. Bitch took a crowbar to the leg and still won silver. Represent.”

Wallace’s teammates were understanding of his love for ice skating. What they didn’t realize was how deep his commitment went.

“He kept asking about the ice capades and how many times a year they came to the United Center,” recalled Bulls general manager John Paxton. “But I had no clue it was because he loved the sport so much.”

Wallace commented on how much of a selling point that was when making his decision during free agency last year.

“I got offers from many teams, some that are contending for the championship in the West,” said Wallace. “But Chicago was the place for me. Not only do I love the city, but the ice capades come at least twice a year. I can deal with not having year round beaches for a little capades action.”

Wallace’s teammates don’t mind the obsession, as long as they are not involved. Many teammates became uncomfortable when he was asking if anyone wanted to join him for some skating practice.

“I thought he was asking me out,” a visibly shaken Ben Gordon recalled. “I revel in the grace of the skaters, but I’m not about to get out there with him. That’s kind of romantic. He should just be content to watch.”

And Wallace will be. With his injured knee, Wallace will remain behind in Chicago for the two week road trip. He has tickets to 10 of the shows.

“I get to study a new starting five – the Disney Princess’,” Wallace exclaimed. “They’re all gonna be there. Ariel, Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Princess Jasmine, the chick that sleeps a lot, and the Asian girl. I can’t wait. I’ve got a thing for Jasmine.”

Grossman attempts to stay regular during Super Bowl week.

Bears fans across the nation are wondering what Rex Grossman will show up to the Super Bowl on Sunday – the Rex who had 7 100-plus rated games or the Rex who registered 5 sub-40 rated games, including the goose egg he laid in the season finale against Green Bay.

“He’s been wildly inconsistent,” said super fan Rick Owens. “I just hope he can maintain some sort of consistency or regularity this week.”

Rex has admitted that it has been hard to stay consistent this week due to the immense pressure that comes with the Super Bowl and his new diet.

“I’ve had Chinese, Thai – who knows what else,” said Grossman. “Attempting to shit twice a day - my regular allotment - goes by the wayside. I ate a German sausage that’s not agreeing with that English muffin I had earlier. Must be a World War II thing.”

“It’s important that Rex stay regular this week,” said center Olin Kreutz. “We’ve been monitoring his hotel room. We’ve been repeatedly asking him if he has to go. Anything. You don’t want him to have to drop a deuce in the huddle.”

“He has an odd routine,” said head coach Lovie Smith. “About midway through practice he’ll run off to the can. He likes to keep his pads on while he goes. Says it helps him concentrate.”

“The pads make me feel like in on the line of scrimmage,” said Rex. “Nothing makes you want to go more than the thought of 11 men trying to rip your head off. But sometimes I don’t have access to my pads. Then it’s a chore.”

It became more than a chore on Tuesday, when several players noticed that Rex’s bathroom usage time, or BUT, was well under normal levels. They decided drastic measures were in order. They asked defensive lineman Tommie Harris to monitor Rex’s BUT because he was injured and not that mobile.

“I staked out a sweet spot where I could hear the toilet flush in his hotel room,” said Harris. “His BUT was at about 10 minutes for the whole day. That equates to about 5 pisses. 5 pisses for the entire day up to dinner. He’s usually around 15-20 minutes by now. So the guys and I spiked his drink with Maalox.”

“That got his BUT up,” chortled running back Thomas Jones. “I haven’t seen him move like that since I missed my block assignment in the Pats game.”

Between dinner and lights-out, Grossman spent a total of 45 minutes in the bathroom according to Harris. That was more than usual, but given the conditions, it was necessary.

“They must’ve put the whole bottle in my drink,” shouted Grossman from the toilet. “Wish they did this during the daytime. I wouldn’t have been interviewed so much. I can barely get a sentence out before I have to go again.”

The Bears are hoping for a more consistent Grossman on Super Bowl Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts.

“I really don’t care if he farts, shits, or has stomach cramps in the huddle,” said Lovie. “As long as he completes more passes his dark colored jersey teammates. Got that Rex? Dark colored jerseys.”

Peyton Manning advertises offensive playbook.

In a bold move sure to draw criticism, Peyton Manning is in a new TV spot featuring the Indianapolis Colts offensive playbook. The commercial features Manning calling out various offensive schemes and having the participants run them. Scenarios include a Pop Warner football game, the checkout line at a supermarket, and a concert.

“Getting to the fastest checkout line at the supermarket is hard,” Manning said in Miami, the site of Super Bowl XLI. “Z right 24 merlin blue cross is just the offense you need to call in that situation.”

Manning tried it out once. He got near the front of the line but had to call an audible.

“The guy over at register 6 opened. That changed the entire outlook of the checkout. But my team’s professional. They got the audible and I was back at home cooking my casserole in no time.”

Manning, however, is not taking the brunt of the criticism. When Tony Dungy, head coach, was asked about this, he said anything to do with the offense go through Tom Moore, the offensive coordinator.

“I just say things like ‘Punt’ and ‘Go for it.’ and take all the credit. Tom does the actual work.”

“The NFL contacted me about a good commercial idea,” said Moore. “I went with what I knew.”

The decision to run the commercial before the Super Bowl was entirely the NFL’s decision. Pre-game ratings are always low compared to the game itself, and the marketing department needed a quick solution.

“No one’s going to watch Cirque to Soleil,” said Lisa Garland, marketing director. “Most football fans won’t be able to pronounce it. They want to see football players. Peyton Manning is a football player as far as I know.”

“And we needed the revenue,” added Moore. “Indianapolis is not a big market city. The Indy 500 brings in some dollars, but that’s it. College basketball just yields drunks and cranky alums. We needed the big bucks to pay for the statue of a herd of colts that will be surrounding the RCA Dome next year.”

Most professional football players are alright with the idea of selling a playbook to generate revenue.

“Peyton is one funny cracka,” said defensive lineman Tank Johnson. “I saw the Mastercard commercial where he was gettin’ his melon signed and I was like ‘No he didn’t’ but he did.”

“I was too busy laughing to notice,” said Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison. “I hope everybody else was too.”

Initially, the NFL asked for both the offensive and defensive playbooks for the Colts. The Colts decided to only give up the offensive one.

“This commercial represents the Indianapolis Colts, Indianapolis, and the state of Indiana as a whole,” said Moore. “Giving them the defensive playbook would be like the opening act for the Beatles. Just embarrassing.”

“I believe we could have used the defensive playbook with Peyton,” said Garland. “He’s just that good. I think he’s a football player.”

“All I want to do is go to Disney world after the game,” said Manning. “And I’ll be using my Mastercard. Priceless!”

Bears fan complaining Super Bowl disrupting vacation.

Bears fan Tucker Barkley is thrilled that the Bears made it to the Super Bowl. What he isn’t thrilled about is his new vacation plans.
“I’m going to Miami now to support the Bears,” said a fuming Tucker, 42. “I usually go ice fishing with my buddies. Instead of 20 below and a wind chill, I have to put up with 80 above and a heat index.”
“He’s really put out,” said his wife Roslyn, 41. “He had his heart set on that isolated outhouse with a hole in the ground.”
This new development has not only hurt his family emotionally, but also financially, as Tucker had already purchased all his fishing equipment for the trip.
“I bought new bait, a new tackle box, and a completely new parka/snow pants ensemble,” he said. “I would have been the belle of Tip-Up Town.”
“The Bears usually suck,” said his friend Brian Burnett. “That’s why we schedule the ice fishing trip now. The last time they were in the Super Bowl, I was rocking out to Poison and Ratt. They’re not bands anymore.”
Since the Bears beat the Saints, Tucker has torn up his house looking for his bathing suit, towel, flip-flops, sun block, pail, and anything else he could use on the beach. While finding a majority of the items, he found even more ridicule from his son.
“I never seen or heard of him going to the beach,” said his son Dan, 16. “He’s as white as a polar bear. He found his trunks and they were from the 80s. I would know. I’ve seen ‘I Love the 80s’ on VH1.”
Dan has no intentions of accompanying his father on his trip, saying that he was going to have a “bitchin’ kegger” instead.
“He’s a real trooper,” said neighbor Eddie Bell. “Sacrificing his ice trip for Miami? I know I couldn’t do that.”
Tucker knows it will be hard, but he’ll put up a good front.
“I’ll try to have fun. I know the entire time I’ll be thinking about the icy breeze rubbing up against my cheek. It’ll be really hard to go swimming, let me tell you.”

And We're Off!

Welcome to the Minimally Invasive Gazette, sponsored by the Minimally Invasive Collective. Please feel free to leave comments or e-mail minimallyinvasivecollective@gmail.com with any comments or suggestions, or if you're interested in contributing to the collective. Look for the first article later today!