Peyton Manning finally has his Super Bowl.
“It’s amazing,” said an elated Manning. “I’ve never felt like this before in my life. I guess this is what junkies are always talking about.”
His teammates have noticed something not quite right about Manning following the Super Bowl. Those around him say he is jubilant and exuberant most of the time. It’s when he gets his hands on the trophy that his demeanor changes.
“When he’s around the trophy, he becomes taciturn and blank,” said center Jeff Saturday. “I know what I’m talking about. I know him well. He’s got more ass time than my proctologist.”
After putting up a good front for the crowd and cameras, the truth finally comes out in the locker room.
“I hate that trophy,” said Manning. “It almost makes me regret choosing football.”
“He’s always hated it,” said father and former NFL quarterback Archie Manning. “I’d always show him pictures of it when he was a kid. He was really terrified of it. Just like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.”
“I would taunt him with it,” said younger brother Eli. “I could get him to do whatever I wanted. The best thing I did was take a picture of the Vince Lombardi trophy. Even better than nailing Hillary Barnes after prom.”
While his teammates, coaches, and fans were celebrating the win, Peyton decided to reflect on his choice of profession.
“Most professional sports trophies suck,” an irate Peyton said. “The NFL has a football on a stand. The NBA has a ball going into a gold bucket. Baseball has all those flags on it. It looks like an award from the United Nations. And I have no idea what soccer’s trophy looks like. They all suck. All except one.”
The exception is Lord Stanley’s cup. The grand prize of the National Hockey League has mesmerized Peyton since he was a young boy, watching Wayne Gretzky and the Edmonton Oilers.
“I really wanted to be a hockey player. But you can’t ice skate in the bayou. Crocs don’t check, they bite at you. You can imagine how many sticks and pucks I’d lose.”
“I can see Peyton’s point,” said kicker Adam Vinateri. “I’ve been around the Lombardi trophy almost my entire career. It’s nothing compared to the Stanley Cup. There are numerous advantages.”
Some of those advantages include having your name etched into the Cup itself and its size. But the greatest advantage is the most obvious one.
“You can do shots out of it,” said Peyton. “When I’ve taken a beating on the football field, I sometimes need something to forget the pain. I could just fill up the Cup with some smooth
Peyton does realize that the Stanley Cup would only stay in his possession for one year, whereas the Lombardi trophy is the team’s to keep forever.
“I don’t care,” said Peyton. “The Cup would get me into places. Bars, clubs, frat parties – heck even first communions. I can only imagine what it would be like to drink the communion wine from the teat of The Cup. Probably something akin to winning the Super Bowl.”
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