Arne Duncan keeps schools open despite Apocalypse.

Chicago Public Schools (CPS) CEO Arne Duncan wants to keep his streak alive. No matter what the cost.

“Kids need warmth, food, and shelter,” said Duncan. “My reports show that most kids are not getting these three things at home. They’re just playing video games. Which we don’t have at the schools.”

Duncan is fully aware that the Apocalypse is in full swing but he does not seem too worried about it. His only worry is the possible causalities that may occur.

“Yeah, I’m worried about kids dying on their way to school. Only the first two horses have appeared. I’ll seriously start thinking about closing the schools when the famine and plague accompany the black horse.”

In order to become more knowledgeable about the recent occurrences, Duncan has brought in a theological “dream team.” This team consists of a Catholic bishop, a Buddhist monk, an Islamic priest, and an atheist.

“I could care less if they included me,” said Ross Glover, the atheist. “I was told I get to keep everyone in check. So I get to assert my views on three different religions. Usually very loud and verbally. They even gave me a hockey stick.”

A mixer was then held to get the dream team more acquainted with each other as well as CPS personnel they would be working with.

“I can’t stand listening to them talk about religion,” said Glover, “but get some alcohol in them, and it’s a different scene. The bishop can really put it away, and the monk rocked the karaoke. The Islamic dude just sat in the corner the whole time. Not really that fun.”

Duncan says that the dream team has been invaluable to his assessment of the current situation.

“My knowledge has increased 75% on the subject,” said Duncan. “I now know the difference between good and evil and what the terms ‘miracle,’ ‘jihad,’ ‘karma,’ and ‘idiot’ mean. And I’ve heard idiot a lot recently.”

According to the “dream team,” schools will stay open as long as there is breathable air and sustenance. This may pose a problem in the coming weeks.

“The bishop warned me that the black horse was on his way,” said Duncan. “When the famine hits, we’ll have a problem. Until that time, I will keep making my decisions with the atheist’s help.”

Other problems have crept up with the coming of the Apocalypse, but Duncan and his team have been very proactive with solutions.

“We’ve had some really dark days, where the sun doesn’t shine,” said Duncan. “I got the monk and the bishop to pray for some help, and angels and those who have achieved nirvana came and acted as street lights. We even got the resurrected to act as crossing guards. That’s a win-win.”

It is Duncan’s can-do attitude that is inspiring other school districts around the country to keep their schools open.

“I sure thought the second horsemen would do him in, but it didn’t,” said Joel Klein, chancellor of New York City Department of Education. “And to think, I was closing schools when there was 2 feet of snow or a -50 degree wind chill. Arne’s an inspiration to us all.”

Even with all the optimism and positive re-enforcement, Duncan is fully aware of what is to come.

“There’s still a ton of Apocalypse let. This is only the first quarter. If I can keep the schools open until halftime, I think that is a big punch in my ticket to Heaven. Even God can’t turn his head at keeping your business open and running during the ‘biggest primetime spectacle in the history of the world.¹’ I just hope the Rapture comes quickly. God’s like Oscar voters – he has a short memory. Or so I’ve been told.”

¹From Other Things to call the Apocalypse besides the Apocalypse.