Arne Duncan keeps schools open despite Apocalypse.

Chicago Public Schools (CPS) CEO Arne Duncan wants to keep his streak alive. No matter what the cost.

“Kids need warmth, food, and shelter,” said Duncan. “My reports show that most kids are not getting these three things at home. They’re just playing video games. Which we don’t have at the schools.”

Duncan is fully aware that the Apocalypse is in full swing but he does not seem too worried about it. His only worry is the possible causalities that may occur.

“Yeah, I’m worried about kids dying on their way to school. Only the first two horses have appeared. I’ll seriously start thinking about closing the schools when the famine and plague accompany the black horse.”

In order to become more knowledgeable about the recent occurrences, Duncan has brought in a theological “dream team.” This team consists of a Catholic bishop, a Buddhist monk, an Islamic priest, and an atheist.

“I could care less if they included me,” said Ross Glover, the atheist. “I was told I get to keep everyone in check. So I get to assert my views on three different religions. Usually very loud and verbally. They even gave me a hockey stick.”

A mixer was then held to get the dream team more acquainted with each other as well as CPS personnel they would be working with.

“I can’t stand listening to them talk about religion,” said Glover, “but get some alcohol in them, and it’s a different scene. The bishop can really put it away, and the monk rocked the karaoke. The Islamic dude just sat in the corner the whole time. Not really that fun.”

Duncan says that the dream team has been invaluable to his assessment of the current situation.

“My knowledge has increased 75% on the subject,” said Duncan. “I now know the difference between good and evil and what the terms ‘miracle,’ ‘jihad,’ ‘karma,’ and ‘idiot’ mean. And I’ve heard idiot a lot recently.”

According to the “dream team,” schools will stay open as long as there is breathable air and sustenance. This may pose a problem in the coming weeks.

“The bishop warned me that the black horse was on his way,” said Duncan. “When the famine hits, we’ll have a problem. Until that time, I will keep making my decisions with the atheist’s help.”

Other problems have crept up with the coming of the Apocalypse, but Duncan and his team have been very proactive with solutions.

“We’ve had some really dark days, where the sun doesn’t shine,” said Duncan. “I got the monk and the bishop to pray for some help, and angels and those who have achieved nirvana came and acted as street lights. We even got the resurrected to act as crossing guards. That’s a win-win.”

It is Duncan’s can-do attitude that is inspiring other school districts around the country to keep their schools open.

“I sure thought the second horsemen would do him in, but it didn’t,” said Joel Klein, chancellor of New York City Department of Education. “And to think, I was closing schools when there was 2 feet of snow or a -50 degree wind chill. Arne’s an inspiration to us all.”

Even with all the optimism and positive re-enforcement, Duncan is fully aware of what is to come.

“There’s still a ton of Apocalypse let. This is only the first quarter. If I can keep the schools open until halftime, I think that is a big punch in my ticket to Heaven. Even God can’t turn his head at keeping your business open and running during the ‘biggest primetime spectacle in the history of the world.¹’ I just hope the Rapture comes quickly. God’s like Oscar voters – he has a short memory. Or so I’ve been told.”

¹From Other Things to call the Apocalypse besides the Apocalypse.

Mantra Entertainment releases Girls Gone Mild!

In an unexpected move, Mantra Entertainment has delayed the released of its next Girls Gone Wild video to released Girls Gone Mild, which showcases the day-to-day activities of working women and mothers.

“I’ve really done all that I can with the Girls Gone Wild franchise,” said Joe Francis, CEO of Mantra. “Since we can’t go any younger, we decided to go the other way. Girls Gone Mild takes you inside the hot and sexy world of the working woman as she balances her checkbook or takes the kids to soccer practice.”

Instead of baiting hot college co-eds with tank tops to see their breasts, the Girls Gone Mild (GGM) staff offers its participants diapers, gas money, or home repair services for an inside look into the steamy dealings of life as it happens.

“I wasn’t going to let them film me,” said Abby Hoover, mother of 3. “But they offered 5 packages of diapers to follow me around for the day. It was invasive at first, but by the end of the day I was used to the cameras being around me.”

“We got some really hot footage of Abby,” said Forest Mason, director of the GGM series. “Nothing gets me more turned on than seeing a successful drop off of a kid at soccer practice.”

And it’s not only the director that’s getting hot in the crotch. Fans of Girls Gone Wild are transferring over to the world of Girls Gone Mild.

“I was a fan back when Girls Gone Wild started in 1998,” Nicholas Oppenheimer said. “I’ve grown up a bit, and it’s nice to see Mantra recognizing that. While hot college co-eds are good, it really doesn’t help with the wife. But with Girls Gone Mild, I can share the experience of Girls Gone Wild with her without being called a pervert. I even use Girls Gone Mild as foreplay. The best sex I’ve ever had was after Janet finished that casserole.”

College students looking for a change now have that option. Girls Gone Mild is usually located in the family section and gives them a sense of dignity when going into the video store.

“People don’t look down on me anymore,” said a happy Doug Harrow, political science major. “I go into the video store, go right to the family section and grab Girls Gone Mild. I can hold my head high as I exit the store, and still know that I can get my jollies when I get back to my place.”

“Nothing is sexier than seeing a working woman balance a checkbook,” said Kenny Warren, undeclared. “When Mary was able to pay her bills, manage her extraneous debts, and then balance it – man, I headed for the bathroom. And not to pee.”

Francis sees this as a starting point for a successful video franchise. He says he can see as many video in the Girls Gone Mild series as in the Girls Gone Wild series, maybe even more.

“The possibilities are endless,” said an elated Francis. “With Girls Gone Wild, we only had spring break and bars within a tight age demographic. With Girls Gone Mild, we have all ages of women during anytime of the year. I can easily foresee things like Girls Gone Mild: Family Vacation or Girls Gone Mild: Kids’ Birthday Parties. I’m telling you, it’s not only Mantra Entertainment that wins, but also the American public.”

Peyton Manning regrets winning Super Bowl trophy.

Peyton Manning finally has his Super Bowl.

“It’s amazing,” said an elated Manning. “I’ve never felt like this before in my life. I guess this is what junkies are always talking about.”

His teammates have noticed something not quite right about Manning following the Super Bowl. Those around him say he is jubilant and exuberant most of the time. It’s when he gets his hands on the trophy that his demeanor changes.

“When he’s around the trophy, he becomes taciturn and blank,” said center Jeff Saturday. “I know what I’m talking about. I know him well. He’s got more ass time than my proctologist.”

After putting up a good front for the crowd and cameras, the truth finally comes out in the locker room.

“I hate that trophy,” said Manning. “It almost makes me regret choosing football.”

“He’s always hated it,” said father and former NFL quarterback Archie Manning. “I’d always show him pictures of it when he was a kid. He was really terrified of it. Just like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.”

“I would taunt him with it,” said younger brother Eli. “I could get him to do whatever I wanted. The best thing I did was take a picture of the Vince Lombardi trophy. Even better than nailing Hillary Barnes after prom.”

While his teammates, coaches, and fans were celebrating the win, Peyton decided to reflect on his choice of profession.

“Most professional sports trophies suck,” an irate Peyton said. “The NFL has a football on a stand. The NBA has a ball going into a gold bucket. Baseball has all those flags on it. It looks like an award from the United Nations. And I have no idea what soccer’s trophy looks like. They all suck. All except one.”

The exception is Lord Stanley’s cup. The grand prize of the National Hockey League has mesmerized Peyton since he was a young boy, watching Wayne Gretzky and the Edmonton Oilers.

“I really wanted to be a hockey player. But you can’t ice skate in the bayou. Crocs don’t check, they bite at you. You can imagine how many sticks and pucks I’d lose.”

“I can see Peyton’s point,” said kicker Adam Vinateri. “I’ve been around the Lombardi trophy almost my entire career. It’s nothing compared to the Stanley Cup. There are numerous advantages.”

Some of those advantages include having your name etched into the Cup itself and its size. But the greatest advantage is the most obvious one.

“You can do shots out of it,” said Peyton. “When I’ve taken a beating on the football field, I sometimes need something to forget the pain. I could just fill up the Cup with some smooth Tennessee whiskey and kick back. I can’t drink out of the Lombardi trophy. I view that as a design flaw. It just makes sense. Any trophy worth its weight you should be able to drink out of.”

Peyton does realize that the Stanley Cup would only stay in his possession for one year, whereas the Lombardi trophy is the team’s to keep forever.

“I don’t care,” said Peyton. “The Cup would get me into places. Bars, clubs, frat parties – heck even first communions. I can only imagine what it would be like to drink the communion wine from the teat of The Cup. Probably something akin to winning the Super Bowl.”