Peyton Manning advertises offensive playbook.

In a bold move sure to draw criticism, Peyton Manning is in a new TV spot featuring the Indianapolis Colts offensive playbook. The commercial features Manning calling out various offensive schemes and having the participants run them. Scenarios include a Pop Warner football game, the checkout line at a supermarket, and a concert.

“Getting to the fastest checkout line at the supermarket is hard,” Manning said in Miami, the site of Super Bowl XLI. “Z right 24 merlin blue cross is just the offense you need to call in that situation.”

Manning tried it out once. He got near the front of the line but had to call an audible.

“The guy over at register 6 opened. That changed the entire outlook of the checkout. But my team’s professional. They got the audible and I was back at home cooking my casserole in no time.”

Manning, however, is not taking the brunt of the criticism. When Tony Dungy, head coach, was asked about this, he said anything to do with the offense go through Tom Moore, the offensive coordinator.

“I just say things like ‘Punt’ and ‘Go for it.’ and take all the credit. Tom does the actual work.”

“The NFL contacted me about a good commercial idea,” said Moore. “I went with what I knew.”

The decision to run the commercial before the Super Bowl was entirely the NFL’s decision. Pre-game ratings are always low compared to the game itself, and the marketing department needed a quick solution.

“No one’s going to watch Cirque to Soleil,” said Lisa Garland, marketing director. “Most football fans won’t be able to pronounce it. They want to see football players. Peyton Manning is a football player as far as I know.”

“And we needed the revenue,” added Moore. “Indianapolis is not a big market city. The Indy 500 brings in some dollars, but that’s it. College basketball just yields drunks and cranky alums. We needed the big bucks to pay for the statue of a herd of colts that will be surrounding the RCA Dome next year.”

Most professional football players are alright with the idea of selling a playbook to generate revenue.

“Peyton is one funny cracka,” said defensive lineman Tank Johnson. “I saw the Mastercard commercial where he was gettin’ his melon signed and I was like ‘No he didn’t’ but he did.”

“I was too busy laughing to notice,” said Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison. “I hope everybody else was too.”

Initially, the NFL asked for both the offensive and defensive playbooks for the Colts. The Colts decided to only give up the offensive one.

“This commercial represents the Indianapolis Colts, Indianapolis, and the state of Indiana as a whole,” said Moore. “Giving them the defensive playbook would be like the opening act for the Beatles. Just embarrassing.”

“I believe we could have used the defensive playbook with Peyton,” said Garland. “He’s just that good. I think he’s a football player.”

“All I want to do is go to Disney world after the game,” said Manning. “And I’ll be using my Mastercard. Priceless!”