Bears fans across the nation are wondering what Rex Grossman will show up to the Super Bowl on Sunday – the Rex who had 7 100-plus rated games or the Rex who registered 5 sub-40 rated games, including the goose egg he laid in the season finale against Green Bay.
“He’s been wildly inconsistent,” said super fan Rick Owens. “I just hope he can maintain some sort of consistency or regularity this week.”
Rex has admitted that it has been hard to stay consistent this week due to the immense pressure that comes with the Super Bowl and his new diet.
“I’ve had Chinese, Thai – who knows what else,” said Grossman. “Attempting to shit twice a day - my regular allotment - goes by the wayside. I ate a German sausage that’s not agreeing with that English muffin I had earlier. Must be a World War II thing.”
“It’s important that Rex stay regular this week,” said center Olin Kreutz. “We’ve been monitoring his hotel room. We’ve been repeatedly asking him if he has to go. Anything. You don’t want him to have to drop a deuce in the huddle.”
“He has an odd routine,” said head coach Lovie Smith. “About midway through practice he’ll run off to the can. He likes to keep his pads on while he goes. Says it helps him concentrate.”
“The pads make me feel like in on the line of scrimmage,” said Rex. “Nothing makes you want to go more than the thought of 11 men trying to rip your head off. But sometimes I don’t have access to my pads. Then it’s a chore.”
It became more than a chore on Tuesday, when several players noticed that Rex’s bathroom usage time, or BUT, was well under normal levels. They decided drastic measures were in order. They asked defensive lineman Tommie Harris to monitor Rex’s BUT because he was injured and not that mobile.
“I staked out a sweet spot where I could hear the toilet flush in his hotel room,” said Harris. “His BUT was at about 10 minutes for the whole day. That equates to about 5 pisses. 5 pisses for the entire day up to dinner. He’s usually around 15-20 minutes by now. So the guys and I spiked his drink with Maalox.”
“That got his BUT up,” chortled running back Thomas Jones. “I haven’t seen him move like that since I missed my block assignment in the Pats game.”
Between dinner and lights-out, Grossman spent a total of 45 minutes in the bathroom according to Harris. That was more than usual, but given the conditions, it was necessary.
“They must’ve put the whole bottle in my drink,” shouted Grossman from the toilet. “Wish they did this during the daytime. I wouldn’t have been interviewed so much. I can barely get a sentence out before I have to go again.”
The Bears are hoping for a more consistent Grossman on Super Bowl Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts.
“I really don’t care if he farts, shits, or has stomach cramps in the huddle,” said Lovie. “As long as he completes more passes his dark colored jersey teammates. Got that Rex? Dark colored jerseys.”
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